


Coping Mechanisms

by R_o_m_a_n_o_v_a



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Bulimia, Burns, Cutting, Eating Disorders, Gen, Hopeful Ending, Hurt/Comfort, Possibly Pre-Slash, Protective Steve Rogers, Self-Harm, Tony Angst, Tony Feels, Tony Stark Angst, Tony Stark Needs a Hug
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-09 05:07:15
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20507231
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/R_o_m_a_n_o_v_a/pseuds/R_o_m_a_n_o_v_a
Summary: The team moving in meant Tony had to give up a lot of his old coping mechanisms - but his issues didn't go away with them. Now he began to develop unhealthier coping mechanisms and hoped that nobody else would notice - but Steve does.





	Coping Mechanisms

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, this fic is pretty heavy. It has descriptions of self harm and a reference to eating disorders, though Tony doesn't develop one in this fic. If any of this triggers you, I suggest you skip this work, nothing is ever worth putting yourself through something that might hurt you. Take care of yourselves!

Tony was pretty well known for his unhealthy coping mechanisms. 

The whole world knew how he drank too much, how he'd gotten arrested more than once for doing drugs, how he could make women fall into his bed with a bat of his eyelashes. People who knew him better knew that he would hide away in the workshop for days, forget to eat or sleep, working himself to the bone to distract himself from the pain. 

He couldn't do most of this anymore, though. Tony had stopped doing drugs years ago, Pepper had flat out refused to work with him if he didn't stop, and Tony had attended several rehab programs to get clean. He had stopped drinking fairly recently - he'd been clean for three months now, since the Avengers had thrown out his entire supply of alcohol and had attended every gala and party with him to make sure he didn't drink. The mandatory team meals meant Tony couldn't not eat anymore, and Steve always came down to escort Tony to his bedroom so he couldn't stay up all night working either. 

In a way, this was an improvement. Tony was eating and sleeping on a regular schedule, still doing enough work to remain productive while not overworking himself, and being clean of drugs and alcohol meant that his name didn't appear in the news with scandalous headlines anymore. 

But on the other hand, Tony was  _ dying,  _ maybe not literally, but in every other way that mattered. 

The thing was, the team had done their best to eradicate every one of Tony's unhealthy coping mechanisms, but that didn't make his issues go away. He still had near-crippling anxiety, had had anxiety nearly his whole life. His self esteem was still nonexistent, even though he did a fantastic job of appearing to care about nothing but himself. The PTSD after New York had never entirely gone away. 

The only things that had gone away were his coping mechanisms. Without them, his mind ran wild, his thoughts spinning around in circles. Usually they'd become impossible to ignore, and he'd struggle just to breathe. The panic attacks he went through weren't pleasant, and almost definitely avoidable if only he could do something to distract himself. 

That was what eventually led to him self-harming. 

It wasn't intentional, not at first. He was working in his workshop, his mind jumping from one thought to another faster than he could keep track. He tried desperately to slow his thoughts down, to breathe and to calm down enough to think. The blowtorch he was holding slipped out of his grasp, hit his arm and burnt it before falling to the ground. The pain was immediate and Tony yelled out with a swear, pausing to collect himself and realised - his thoughts had slowed down. The anxiety had faded away. 

The burns weren't a good option for him though, mostly because when the urge to burn himself arose he wouldn't be in the lab, and that wasn't the kind of thing you could get away with in public. He began getting more careless on missions though, earning every bruise he possibly could, and when he felt his thoughts running while while he was with the Avengers, he could subtly dig a finger into the most painful bruise at that time and the calm would wash over him. 

Cutting was something he experimented with, too. Wrists weren't an option, he lived his life in public and if his suit sleeves rolled up even slightly at a gala, his scars would be the headline news. He couldn't cut his thighs either, because he was an Avenger and occasionally had to strip down to his boxers to have his injuries assessed. So, on the particularly bad nights after Steve escorted him to bed and left, he would pull out the razor he now stored in his bedside drawer and slide it across his hips. The metal glided through his skin and flesh, leaving a stinging feeling and a river of blood that flowed down his legs. The pain would calm him down, and he'd wipe the blood away and try to get to sleep before the pain wore off and the thoughts crept in. 

Cutting left damage though, and he couldn't afford to permanently damage his body. He was a superhero, which meant that if cutting became a habit, it might affect his performance out on the battlefield. Bruises, though, were something he dealt with regularly, so bruising himself became his go-to coping mechanism. He'd be in the middle of signing paperwork or soldering a circuit when the thoughts crept in, and he'd punch himself in the sides or his collarbone or wherever the most painful bruise was currently located on his body, and the pain would be enough. 

Tony knew it was unhealthy. He also knew he couldn't stop. This was all he had, all he could do to prevent the pain, and he couldn't tell the team about it because they would take this away from him too. He didn't want to go back to doing drugs or drinking because he remembered the shame he felt each time afterwards, and he remembered the empty, hollow feeling in his chest every morning after. Staying up late without eating for a work binge was better, but the stress had affected his health to the point he was barely a week away from a heart attack when he stopped, and he didn't want to go back to that. 

That didn't make his new methods any easier to deal with. 

Tony had to talk himself out of trying new things that could hurt his body further. Purging was one of those. Tony remembered having a meal with the team one time, and then wanting to have not eaten it. The food had been great - Bruce had made Indian biryani and soup - but Tony had felt unworthy of the food afterwards. He had done nothing to earn the food, he had been performing terribly on the field and hadn't upgraded the team equipment in ages, and once he has eaten the meal all he wanted to do was to throw it up again. 

That hadn't been a fun day. JARVIS had talked Tony out of it, and Tony had to spend half an hour convincing himself that he really didn't need another bad habit on top of everything. 

Tony thought he was doing a pretty good job hiding his habits. His scars were well hidden even by his underwear, particularly because he allowed the cuts to overlap. The bruises were usually on top of a previous bruise, and could easily be passed off as the product of a battle. What he hadn't expected was to be caught in the act. 

It had been a particularly bad day, Tony had messed up on a mission and two teenagers had died because of his mistakes. Steve's disappointed glance and lecture had affected him more than he wanted to let on, but as soon as he could, he had rushed up to his room and grabbed his razor and started cutting. This would have been fine if someone hadn't knocked on the door just then. 

"I'm not decent!" Tony called out, placing the razor on the bed beside him and pulling his pants up, ignoring the blood. The door opened anyway, and Steve walked in. 

"I think the fact I've seen you naked one too many times means that your decency is irrelevant, Tony, I really -" Steve suddenly broke off, taking in the sight in front of him. "I didn't know you got injured." 

"I'm dealing with it," Tony said hastily, but Steve's eyes had already landed on the razor. Tony turned his face away, not willing to see the look on Steve's face, but was surprised when Steve came to sit next to him and started digging under Tony's bed with one hand to pull out the first aid kit there. 

"I know how to knit hats," Steve smiled softly, "so I can probably stitch you up. This is gonna hurt like hell, but I have to stop the bleeding." 

"I don't need stitches," Tony replied quickly. "It's going to be fine, it always is." He pulled his trousers down over his hip one to prove it. Steve had probably seen worse. 

Steve inspected the still-bleeding cuts carefully. "Stitches," he said firmly. "Stitches or cauterising, you take your pick." 

Tony knew a losing battle when he saw one, so he didn't bother to argue. Pushing his trousers a little lower, he let Steve clean and stitch up his wounds without so much as a hiss of pain. His pain was mostly emotional, stemming from the humiliation of having someone find out. Of having  _ Steve  _ find out. Steve probably thought he was too weak to handle being Iron Man now, and that hurt worse than his blades ever could. 

"Done," Steve finally announced, snipping off the thread. "That feel okay?" 

"Yeah." Tony avoided looking at Steve's face, he didn't want to see the pity there. 

"Tony," he heard Steve say. "Tony, I hope you know we're here for you. You know that, right? I'm here for you, if you need me. If you need someone to talk to." 

"Bullshit." 

"Really, Tony," Steve pressed, and he sounded sort of choked. Tony finally looked up, and was horrified to see the tears in Steve's eyes. "Tony, I didn't know you were hurting, and I'm sorry I should have noticed, as your team captain and as… and as your friend. I just want to know… is there anything I could have done to prevent this?" 

"Coping mechanisms," Tony whispered. 

"What?" 

"Coping mechanisms. I had a whole lot of em, Cap, and you guys took them all away. I had to find something new." 

Steve shook his head. "Tony, we all have our demons and I understand that you needed a distraction, but it doesn't have to be like this. Nat and I spar in the training gym on our bad days, Thor goes out to fly with Mjolnir, Clint shoots things and makes his nest in the vents and I thought you and Bruce worked on the lab together, but it turns out Bruce does it alone. Any of us, Tony, any of us would be glad to have you join us."

Tony was suddenly exhausted. "It's not that easily, Winghead. I can't stop." 

"Sure you can. You stopped drinking, you stopped using drugs, you stopped neglecting yourself. You've achieved so much already Tony, you're the strongest man I know and I  _ know  _ you can stop. I'm here for you, I'll stay right here, okay? Aw, Tony." 

Tony had started crying then, and Steve didn't hesitate to wrap his arms around the smaller man and pull him into a hug. 

"I'm gonna take care of you, okay? It's going to get better, Shellhead, I promise," Steve whispered, and this time, Tony believed him. 

**Author's Note:**

> I actually wrote this fic because of something that happened in school today. I noticed that one of my closest friends has self harm scars on her wrist. I knew she used to cut four years ago, but I assumed it had gotten better - I was wrong to assume. Im trying to be as supportive as I possibly can and get her through whatever is hurting her, and try to help her find other ways of coping without self harming, so this fic is dedicated to her. I really hope things get better for you, Z.
> 
> If you struggle with self harm, just remember that things will get better and that there are people who love you and want to help you. If you don't think you can get through everything by yourself, tell an adult or someone you can trust or even a professional. You all are beautiful and I love you all, please take care of yourselves because you are important, remember that. Please stay safe.


End file.
